2016 was a stretching and trying year for me, it was the first time since I’ve been saved that I blamed God for the pain I felt from a particular event. Here I was calling myself Christian, yet at odds with the God I claimed to love. I received some news that broke, tore and wore me down and I cried for 2 days straight. I had no words for what I felt, only tears. Then on the third day, I found words and they were: “Why God, would you allow this to happen?!” I had just learned that one of my family member’s life was going to be changed forever,  it seemed like the worst possible situation.

After uttering my question to God, I followed up with justifications: “I prayed for this person, you showed me this person was in your hands, how come other people were spared from this, but my family has to suffer?” I couldn’t talk to anyone. God was the one I lived for, yet He was the one that let me down. All the pain and emotion I was feeling, I couldn’t keep it in my head any longer. I had to let it out before God’s feet, I had to confront the Creator of the Universe and ask Him why He did this and I wouldn’t leave until I got an answer. That was my plan.

So, I did just that. I went to God with my confusion and disappointment with what took place. Just as Jacob went in wrestling God “knowing” he was right for the deceitful things he’d done, as did I with my arguments to God. However, through all my whaling, crying, and releasing at God’s feet, telling Him how I really felt, a shift took place. My heart was bare before God, which allowed His Holy Spirit to come in and speak. God showed me that I was blaming Him for someone suffering the consequence of their own decision. A decision that wasn’t in line with God and I’m mad at God for not protecting them from the evil they willing and joyfully partook in. The same God who came down and took nails on the cross for that decision, who was beaten and spat on for that decision, who died for the sin they loved. God didn’t protect them from the consequence because HE DIED AND ROSE AGAIN FOR THE CAUSE. They could be free from both cause and consequence, yet they said no to God and JOYFULLY made the decision they did, and I hear I am blaming a Holy, LOVING GOD for someone else’s sin. My jaw dropped.

My tears went from sorrow and despair to utter repentance and shame. I begged Jesus to forgive me for blaming Him and making all of my accusations. I couldn’t believe how I had acted, but more so how God was patient, loving, and understanding in the midst of it all. I pray if you find yourself in a place where you’re confused, angry, or resentful toward God that you take it to Him. Don’t keep it inside and don’t allow satan to use it to drive you from your Savior. Show God your beef and He’ll show you your heart.